Why did I rebel against God?

I think this is a good question to ask myself. WHY would I do the things I did?

As I looked up Rebel, Rebellion in the Topical Guide, I found this scripture that caught my attention.

1 O give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy;

5 Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.

6 Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses.

7 And he led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation.

8 Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

9 For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.

This is where I wish I would have been. This is where I want to be today: willing to cry unto the Lord in my trouble and in my distress, willing to be led by the right way. Hungering and thirsting after righteousness, being filled with goodness.

But instead, I was this person:

10 Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, being bound in affliction and iron;

11 Because they rebelled against the words of God, and contemned the counsel of the most High:

12 Therefore he brought down their heart with labour; they fell down, and there was none to help.

This is where I’ve been: sitting in darkness, bound and captive – all because I willfully rebelled against the word of God. I knew what I was doing – I knew which way I was facing; but, as the talk about Pride says, I thought my will was better than God’s will. I thought that it “wasn’t that big of a deal, that I wasn’t doing anything really wrong…”

And look what happened: I almost lost the most important things – Becky and the kids and my membership in the Church.

Why would I do this?

I feel it was because I didn’t believe completely that God’s will was really as good as it was brought up to be. I think I thought I’d be fine.

I now know why adultery is next to murder in gravity: it hurts so many people, it’s so hard to be forgiven of – both by the people I’m hurting and also by Heavenly Father.

Luckily, this part of the scripture is also applicable to my situation:

13 Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them out of their distresses.

14 He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and brake their bands in sunder.

I can have hope.

I can cry unto the Lord in my trouble and He will be there to answer my prayers and help me out of my distress.

I can be freed from the darkness and shadow of death and my bands can be broken.

What’s interesting is that this string of scriptures continues to repeat this counsel (it says it in verse 8, 15, 21, 31,:

21 Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

And finally,

43 Whoso is wise, and will observe these things, even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the Lord.

I want to be wise.

I want to be free.

I want to be submissive and humble and honest.

I want to be willing to do whatever Heavenly Father wants me to do.

I had a hard day yesterday and today – not due to temptation in my addiction but in frustration: I lost my wallet. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it’s been really frustrating and hard to handle for some reason.

I feel Satan comes at me in so many different ways.

I feel he’s constantly ready to fire his fiery darts and hit me when I’m not looking.

I want so bad to write more about the wars and how Captain Moroni prepared his people for war with fortifications. I feel strongly that this is all about fighting the wars we’re in right now with Satan.

I feel that there’s a strong reason why these scriptures are written for our day – they can be applied to us.

This is all for now.

I’m glad I got this time to write.

Hasta manana!

Nate